Bill Says “They” Conspire To Keep Hillary Out Of White House


(May 27, TBC) Speaking at a campaign event in South Dakota this past Sunday, Bill Clinton, former President and husband of current Democratic candidate, Hillary, told the small audience that some unidentified forces were trying to “cover up” certain information regarding his wife’s chances for general election victory. Clearly, she must first get past frontrunner, Barak Obama to secure the Democratic Party nomination.

The former President, who has been a vigorous, if not nasty, rabid, loose cannon of a surrogate for Hillary, appears to be slipping dangerously close to that ill-defined border separating sanity from insanity. His remarks, illogical and paranoid, signal his rapid deterioration. Mr. Clinton appeared close to some sort of breakdown, fit or tantrum as he blathered, “I can’t believe it. It is just frantic the way they are trying to push and pressure and bully all these super delegates to come out.” Mr. Clinton repeatedly described the forces allied against his wife as, “they” and “some”; terms he never did specifically identify in any way. One psychiatrist present at the event noted, “When ‘they’ and ‘some’ are all out to get you, that is the vocabulary associated with the paranoid mind, perhaps delusionally paranoid. It may be a contagious condition. Obviously Bill and Hillary suffer from it but who gave it to who would require advanced clinical study.”

As his rage grew, the crowd began to drift away. Several young children were seen crying and running away as their parents chased after them. One elderly woman in the front row vomited and gave Mr. Clinton ‘the finger’. He promptly threw a jelly donut at her that hit her on the shoulder. She was escorted away by friends. The nearly apoplectic former President continued, “Oh, this is so terrible: The people they want her. Oh, this is so terrible: She is winning the general election and he is not. Oh my goodness, we have to cover this up.” Still, Clinton failed to elaborate on who he was accusing.

Oddly, Mr. Clinton’s remarks were strangely reminiscent of his wife’s now infamous comments accusing a “Vast right wing conspiracy” as the prime force working to undermine and impeach her husband in 1998. The notion of a ‘conspiracy’ of any sort was roundly criticized at the time. Mr. Clinton’s own indiscretions, actions and those of members of his administration fueled the fires that outraged many. Actually, it is the “Clinton Years” in the White House, 1993 through 2001, that are most often cited as the beginning of the “politics of personal destruction.” It seems now that the Clinton’s themselves, on the verge of defeat, have now mastered that craft.

By the time he concluded his remarks, Clinton was red-faced, sputtering, sweating profusely and shaking. The only people remaining to witness his speech in its entirety were members of the press, many drunk or hung over from the stress of having to cover Bill Clinton as he campaigns for his wife.

As the former President and his entourage left for the airport, their small caravan of Secret Service SUV’s were pelted by beer cans, sugar beets, eggs, yams, cow flops and the occasional watermelon. At one point a dead sow was tossed in the caravan’s path but they easily avoided the obstacle. No injuries or arrests were reported. The sow had died earlier in the day from natural causes. It was later butchered, barbecued and served to a large crowd at a Barak Obama rally.

Copyright TBC 2008 © All Rights Reserved

Hillary Beast Survives Night Of Living Dead

(April 23, Evansville, IN)  The growing frustration inside the Barak Obama campaign escalated significantly last night as his persistent, maniacal opponent saved her sinking campaign by scoring a victory in the Pennsylvania primary.  While both Clinton and Obama fought hard in this key state each spending millions in their efforts, it was old fashioned politics that won the race for Clinton.  With the support of Pennsylvania Governor, Ed Rendell and his vast, corrupt, shady political machine at her disposal, Hillary managed to grease enough palms, apply sufficient pressure where ever possible and toss around enough “walking around money” in the black community, to win by a margin of 10 percentage points.  While her overall plight remains the same – she continues to trail Obama in popular votes and pledged delegates -  last night’s win allows her rotting corpse of a campaign to continue to putrefy the process, do damage to her own party and virtually assure a victory for the GOP’s John McCain in November.

“I will say she has morphed into something of a horror movie monster.  Just when you think her rotten campaign is finally dead, she somehow manages to emerge from the deep, dark open grave.  Frankly, when I know I will be seeing her in person I always wear a glove of garlic around my neck.  She scares the hell out of me”, said Democratic Party Chairman, Howard Dean.  “There is the possibility she is not human.  Certainly she demonstrates few of the basic qualities of humanity.  She is masterful, though, at deception, spewing toxic venom, sorcery and shape-shifting.  I believe only a silver bullet or a stake driven into her heart could stop her campaign”, commented Denis Kucinich, a former democratic presidential rival.

The Obama campaign expected a Clinton victory but was making every effort to keep her margin of error to within the single digits.  “Yes we are disappointed but, thankfully, we are still ahead.  This might give her new political life on the trail but does little to improve her chances of ever getting the nomination”, noted Dave Axelrod, head of the Barak campaign.

Some insiders close to other insiders who are a bit further inside the Obama camp and a great deal closer to those closest to the insiders, speaking anonymously, revealed that “We hear they are bringing in a shaman, an old-fashioned medicine man to see if that helps.  There has been talk of finding an exorcist but, thus far, there has not been a response from the Jesuits at Georgetown.  We also know that several practitioners of Santeria have been consulted and may be providing some candles and other stuff to see if that helps.”  Clearly, from leaks such as these, Team Obama is coming to terms with the true nature of his tenacious opponent. 

While some political pundits and observers debunk the claims that Hillary is evil incarnate and has made a deal with the devil to advance her own political agenda and career, some are not as quick to dismiss this line of thought.  Dr. Parcel de Poste, a PH.D. in Paranormal Psychiatry at the University of Minnesota commented, “To be completely objective about it, to look at her, if you really study her face and eyes, it is very difficult to believe she is not at least insane or, at worst, pure evil.”

An interesting quirk regarding Mrs. Clinton’s personal travel habits may be more revealing than initially realized.  During the Iowa Caucuses, a chambermaid at the Pig, Corn and Bean Motel in Flattus, Iowa told reporters that when she went into clean the room Hillary was staying in, “all the mirrors were covered up.”  Rumors that an android clone meticulously crafted to appear, sound, behave, rant and rave just like the real Hillary Clinton, is utilized for her appearances during daylight hours.  This would lend credence to the theory that Mrs. Clinton is actually “among the un-dead”.  “Her aversion to sunlight, her fear of her mirror image…things like that should give us all great concern”, said General Mal Hayes, commander of the ultra secret military base in Nevada simply known as “Area 51”.  General Hayes continued, “We do some cutting edge research into paranormal phenomenon here.  We work closely with Sandia National Laboratory and the folks at Los Alamos.  It is the conclusion of all involved that Hillary Clinton is about as Para-normal, if not down right abnormal, as can be.  We would like to drop her into the Hindu Kush Mountains just to see if she could find Bin Laden.  We’ve tried everything else plus, it would put all her negative energy to positive use.”

The Clinton camp, suddenly bolstered by last night’s victory, promises that the tide has turned for her campaign.  This type of self delusion and collective idiocy is common among some gangs, most religious cults and all failed and failing political campaigns.

HILLARY’S SLOVENLY HACK DEMOTED

(April 7, NY,NY)  In the world of political consultants, advisors, operatives, strategists, public relations gurus, advertising wizards, financiers and other sordid and sundry assorted hangers on, sycophants, a*s-kissers and ingratiaters, Mark Penn ranks among the sleaziest.  Perhaps he possesses a stellar intellect and talent but it has not translated well into his management of Hillary Clinton’s campaign for the democratic presidential nomination.  A minor conflict of interest, that no one really should have considered a conflict at all, has forced him out of his high ranking position as Chief Strategist to the downgraded, more obscure slot of just another campaign advisor.  Poor Mark.  What is a brilliant, obese, slob to do?

This is not the first “shake-up” of what was once considered to be Team Clinton, a political juggernaut comprised of the best and the brightest.  As it turns out this has been a team of arrogant egos unable to function, or even contemplate having to function, after Super Tuesday. This is the team that thought Hillary’s candidacy in the general election was not only inevitable, but cosmically preordained.  They failed to recognize the real threat posed by Mr. Obama and clearly underestimated his talents and team. 

What other variables, factors, influences and trends they failed to use in their equations are almost limitless.  Team Clinton certainly failed to see just how angry the electorate is, the fact that, for many, she represents everything about politicians they despise, and they misplayed their trump card, Mr. Bill Clinton.  Oh boy, did they ever not see what damage he could inflict from inside.

So big, fat Mark Penn maintained his CEO position with a PR firm involved in lobbying on behalf of a South American country; lobbying, that is, for a trade issue that his candidate opposes.  This is the depth of his brilliance?  This wouldn’t be seen as a conflict of interest? Come on, Chubby.  Had your head not been stuffed into a gallon of ice cream, your ego inflated beyond your waist size, perhaps, you would have been more attuned.  Greed, Mark, greed and gluttony are both among the Seven Deadly Sins. 

Not exactly a scapegoat (more like a scape-rhino) Mark Penn deserves some of the blame for the flame-out of the Hillary 2008 efforts. There is more than enough blame to go around and more than enough pleasure in watching it all happen.

Copyright TBC 2008 © All Rights Reserved