HUGE YARD SALE AT EMBASSY ROW HOME

(April 15, Washington, DC) In an effort to better establish herself among voters as a “common” person, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted a yard sale in front of her $2.85 million home here on Whitehaven Street around the block from Embassy Row. In the aftermath of Barak Obama’s statements considered by many to be offensive to small town and rural residents, Mrs. Clinton is doing all she can to paint Obama, the Democratic frontrunner as an “elitist”.

Beginning last weekend when Hillary spent Saturday night getting rip-roaring sloppy drunk while drinking shots and beers in Indiana, everyday she makes another alteration to her image hoping to solidify the notion of her “commonness” with working class voters.

The inconsistencies in her claims and condemnations of Senator Obama for being “elitist” and “out of touch “with the common person, have not been without backlash. It has been well document in the press that Mrs. Clinton and her husband, former President Bill, reported earnings of almost $109 million since Mr. Clinton left office in 2001. The fact that they own several very expensive residences and live well beyond the imagination of most common people, the New York senator is insistently trying to convince voters that she is “one of them”.

To that end today, Mrs. Clinton held a yard sale in front of her Washington DC home. The sidewalk in front of her home was cluttered with rolling garment racks heavily burdened by the hundreds of pants suits, overcoats, sportswear and other wardrobe items. When word of her yard sale made its way through the neighborhood and into DC proper, the crowds began to appear. Many of Hillary’s trademark, designer, tailor-made pant suits which had each cost well over $1200 were sold for as little as $18 in some cases. Several of the pant suits had to sold as ‘separates’ because the jacket easily fit the woman buying it while the pants would have been far too large for the buyer. One shopper, Glynnis Wynn from Washington DC said “Hell yes, I bought 3 of those pants suits. One is black, one is kinda tan and the other is lime green. My fat-aced husband will have to wear the pants…they just way too big for me”.

Many of the potential buyers decided to simply browse and not make any purchases. One of them, Brenda Fontaine who traveled from Baltimore commented, “Hail no, I ain’t buyin’ none a this sh*t. Can you believe some of the colors of this crap? You’d think a woman who went to college and was married to a President would have much better taste in clothes. I wouldn’t wear any a this sh*t if I was bare aced naked in December”.

While the yard sale went on outside, Mrs. Clinton sat with reporters in one of the well appointed parlors in her glamorous, stately home. “I will only be wearing clothing from Walmart, Target and perhaps, Sears. I never really liked wearing such expensive, custom made clothing, fine jewelry and outrageously expensive garments. I’m just a regular gal from Illinois who ~~~BELCH~~~ likes to hunt, fish, skeet shoot, arm wrestle and get drunk”, Mrs. Clinton told reporters. She continued while taking hefty swigs from a half pint bottle of Popov Vodka, “I remember my grandfather teaching me to ```FART``` shoot a shotgun when I was about 3 years old. He was enormously proud of me when I shot my first bear in fourth grade and just as proud when I accidentally shot his neighbor Lloyd while I was home from Yale Law School.”

While the furnishing and décor in her home were obviously very expensive, the candidate herself was dressed in camouflage pants, Walmart work boots and a Philadelphia Eagles tee shirt with several whole and a large ketchup stain on the front. When a reporter asked about the stain, Hillary , smiled shyly, belched a few times, picked her teeth with a pocket knife answering, “Oh this?? I didn’t even notice that. Oh, now I remember. I had a few burritos, a chile dog and fries for breakfast this ~~~BURP~~~ morning. I guess I use a little too much ketchup on my fries”.

As Hillary escorted the reporters out of the multimillion dollar mansion, one of the journalists commented on the art adorning the richly paneled walls. Mrs. Clinton began to smile broadly and, as she scratched her large, flabby ace, elaborated saying, “This is a favorite of mine. The dogs playing poker on velvet is a classic. I bought this from a truck stop in Arkansas and believe it is one of the finest works of art ever. Over here”, said the Presidential candidate, “is a gorgeous rendition of Elvis. It is made of small beads Elmer's glued to black velvet. I think it would be a fine addition to the Oval Office.”

As the reporters began to rapidly flee, the yard sale outside appeared to have been a failure. Lanny Davis, one of Hillary’s most ardent, clinging, adoring, homosexual, Jewish supporters sadly commented, “They just wouldn’t buy this beautiful stuff. They are tasteless pagans, republicans, no friends of ours.” Hillary, despite her known affection for the ace-kissing, toe-licking, brown-nosing Lanny Davis, reeled back and punched Mr. Davis as hard as she could in the balls. “Hey, Lanny. Go get me a f*ckin’ beer. And while you’re at it, bring my spittoon out here too”, Mrs. Clinton bellowed in a feral tone.

The Clinton Campaign is expected to participate in an event tomorrow night in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. Among the activities Mrs. Clinton has announced she will participate in are, the hog castrating competition, the cow flop tossing contest and the Hairiest Chest in the Upper Piedmont Region. Insiders claim that she is a virtual “shoe-in” to win all these events and, perhaps, the Gizzard Eating Glutton-A-Thon as well.

Senator Clinton currently trails behind Senator Obama in national polls by at least 10 percentage points and is dropping steadily in polls conducted in Pennsylvania, Indiana, North Carolina and Puerto Rico.

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BILL & HIL POUNCE ON OBAMA’S COMMENTS
Hillary Tries Her Hand At “Anti-Elitism” At Indiana Gin mill

(April 13, Grantham, PA) The most dangerous beings in the world are those that are cornered. Be they rat, cat, dog, mongoose, snake or politician, once they perceive danger and threat, they automatically, instinctually become other than their nature. Known as the “Fight or Flight” response, it is biologically hardwired into the neural circuits of virtually every creature on the planet. Perhaps, it is no more acutely, viciously displayed than in the case of a politician watching years of hard work, hopes, aspirations, millions of dollars and a lifetime of ace-kissing not pay off.

The most stunning display of a politician’s brain awash in “Fight or Flight” neurochemicals, is Hillary Clinton. Her descent into the abyss of a lost election and certain insanity, witnessed by the American public, has been startling if not actually frightening. As the suffocating pressure of reality continues to exert itself, Mrs. Clinton continues to respond in a manner that raises ever more serious questions about her mental state. With alarming frequency, she has allowed her brain chemistry, raw emotion and venomous anger dominate her words, actions, and behavior.

Last night in a half-aced “restaurant and lounge” which in reality is no more than a seedy roadside tavern with a short-order cook, Mrs. Clinton engaged in a night of drinking that would have rendered Ted Kennedy comatose. After having spent another pathetic day on the campaign trail blathering incoherently in a very critical, nasty tone, about her front-running opponent, Barak Obama, the 60 year old Democratic Senator appeared in need of relaxation if not intoxication. She was able to achieve stupification.

The candidate and her hapless campaign team had spent the previous 24 hours attempting to convince voters that Senator Obama is an “elitist’. She levied this outrageous charge after comments made by Mr. Obama last weekend at a fundraiser in Marin County, California became public. At that event, Mr. Obama stated that many of the voters living in small towns “cling to guns and religion” and are “bitter” that economic hardships have infiltrated their lives. He also noted that, perhaps, some of such voters “anti-immigration” sentiments are also a product of being “bitter”.

Oddly, the fact that Hillary Clinton was accusing Obama of being an ‘elitist’ seemed even more outlandish given that just earlier last week the income of her and her husband was publicly reported to be $108 million over the last seven years. Since the comments made by Senator Obama have been made public, Clinton and the presumptive GOP candidate, Senator John McCain, have used Obama’s own words against him but, to little or no effect. Current polling data strongly suggests that the ludicrous assertions used to attack Mr. Obama have been pitifully ineffective. “This is all they have. This is all they can do. Senator Obama is close to winning the Democratic nomination and the Clinton campaign can do nothing but spew out more and more lies. Talk about sniper fire! It is sad, in a way, to have to witness the mental breakdown of a sitting United States Senator and a former US President”, commented Marc Axelrod a top Obama advisor.

In her futile attempt to portray herself as “anti-elitist’, she decided to spend the night here at Bronko’s bar. Determined to impress the mostly obese patrons of this dilapidated roadhouse, she began to match them shot for shot and beer for beer. One of her close advisors who remained sober throughout the long, rowdy night, speaking anonymously to the press said, “ She has to appeal to the anti-elite, unemployed, church-going, gun-toting, boilermaker-drinking, white, male, bowlers. The exact demographic so grossly on display here tonight. Look around, these guys she’s drinking with, would rather have leprosy and surgical castration before they’d ever vote for a black man. She knows it, we know it, they know it and now, you know it”.

As is often the case in such settings, the night got off to a very cordial, polite beginning. Mrs. Clinton insisted on starting a tab and was drinking like a freshman frat boy during rush week. As the hours went by and gallons of cheap, tepid beer continued to chase shots of whiskey, some of those present grew somewhat rude, even belligerent if not openly hostile towards Mrs. Clinton. Several of the patrons began to tell her to “Shut the fock up”. Some of the more centrist drinkers repeatedly requested that Hillary “Jump up on the bar, shake your ace and show us your boobies”.

The former First Lady politely demurred from those requests but, not wanting to alienate any voters, she suggested they all participate in drinking games and a belching contest. Mrs. Clinton easily won all the drinking games and fought a tough battle with a local, unemployed manure tank cleaner, Sheldon “Slug” Borchstenslammer, to capture the belching contest.

While the crowd cheered on her belching victory, Mrs. Clinton defiantly, loudly and repetitively broke wind. It seemed as if the fact that Hillary was producing more flatulence than a herd of fat heifers, gave the others present permission to do the same.

Soon, Bronko’s resembled the campfire scene in ‘Blazing Saddles’ both audibly and aromatically. Shortly, several fist fights broke out and the crowd became restless. Quickly, Mrs. Clinton’s Secret Service detail moved to extricate her from the growing violence and chaos but she resisted. She was seen smacking one Secret Service agent in the head with a pitcher of beer and choked another with his own neck tie.

Federal, state and local law enforcement personnel responded to the scene. It took them several hours, numerous canisters of tear gas, attack dogs and excessive force to disperse the crowd.

Mrs. Clinton will appear here tonight in Grantham, on the campus of Messiah College, where she will participate with her opponent, Barak Obama, in the Compassion Forum. "The Compassion Forum will give the candidates a chance to talk straight to voters about what they'll do as president to fulfill God's command that we be our brothers' keepers," said Governor Mike Huckabee, a supporter of the event. "I'm proud that the faith community is taking the lead in asking the candidates to confront the most pressing moral challenges of our times."

Some close advisors have quietly expressed concern about Mrs. Clinton’s ability to be articulate at tonight's Forum after a night of such heavy drinking. One of her oldest friends, speaking not for attribution commented, “She’ll be just fine. Hillary is no stranger to drinking. She will be on time, on message and on alot of drugs. She will certainly wear an extra adult diaper, drink a can or two more of Ensure than usual, and do just brilliantly”.

Others, including Hillary’s husband, Bill Clinton, are not as confident. It was only days ago that Mr. Clinton told a crowd in Boonville, Indiana some of the details of his wife’s long list of physical and mental disorders. “This has been tough on her. She’s deteriorating daily. At 3 o’clock in the morning, she can’t even find the phone let alone speak. So what, so she had a few belts last night. What’s the big deal? I’m more worried about her exhaustion, gas and rickets. Hail, she’s used to drinking like a warrior. She is a regular gal. She bowls, belches, drinks and still firmly believes in tax breaks for the middle class, the war in Iraq and that somebody tried to shoot her in Bosnia in 1995. She’s the only one in this race with those kind of qualifications,” vigorously stated mr. Clinton in defense of his wife. ‘You just watch. She’ll be able to hold it together for as long as this Forum takes. After that, that’s none of your business”.

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